Will hates when I say that. (Hated when I say that?) I know it sounds cold, it sounds flippant, it sounds disrespectful. Especially to someone I was married to for the past thirteen years.
But to me, it’s the most reverent thing I could say.
I have always jumped into things I wasn’t ready for. I moved to Los Angeles (Santa Barbara to be exact) right after college. Without a job, without a plan, just a this-is-as-close-asI-can-get-to-Los-Angeles-without-paying-rent. I’d figure it out. I’ve always figured it out. Figuring it out is what I do.
I got jobs. I quit jobs. I dated. I broke up. I got married to someone who proposed on the second date. We bought a house three weeks after saying I wonder if we could buy a house? We didn’t have a family money or a safety net, just a little bit of luck and my tendency to run toward the thing that scared me most.
Because contrary to popular belief, it’s not the fall that’s going to kill you. But you’re so afraid of stepping off that ledge that you’d rather suffocate slowly than see if you can fly.
So it’s been a good run.
If you know me, you know that I have a thing for older animals. No puppies, no babies has bene my mantra for years. Puppies and kittens get homes. Older animals who just want a soft spot to curl up on languish in shelters and in rescues. If I can provide one of those dogs (or cats) with a safe, soft space to live out their golden years until it’s time to safe goodbye? It needs to be great until it’s not great, and then we make a decision? Well.
It’s been a good run.
That’s not to say that I don’t have regrets. I wish I had gone to therapy earlier. I wish I had said something sooner. I wish I could have used my words, except that I didn’t have the words. (Go to therapy, people. Seriously.) That’s something that I’ll have to simultaneously blame and forgive myself forever.
But still. It’s been a good run.
Instead of saying no, instead of saying I can’t, I told myself I could figure it out. Because I can always figure it out. There are people who are angry that I didn’t figure it out. But I didn’t.
Have you ever been a not-famous person and people have commented on how your relationship made them “believe in love”? No? Well, let me assure you: that’s fun!
But it’s been a good run.
We’re in the midst of a Global Pandemic and the rules are that there are no rules. Soon he’ll move out. Soon maybe I’ll have someone move in. There are no answers, there’s only questions. There is no future, there’s only tomorrow. Day by day, we’re all doing the best we can. I’m doing the best I can.
It’s been a good run.
This was really touching. The narrative is something I live with each day. This spoke to me. Thank you